November means I'm going to attempt my yearly NaNoWriMo Novel.
That means I might not update the blog for a while.
I will still be checking in throughout the month however so if you have any questions or any topics you want to talk about, feel free to comment or leave a question!
I will return to writing semi-regular updates at the start of December.
See you on the other side!
Monday, October 31, 2016
Friday, October 28, 2016
A Letter to an Old Friend
I recently heard from a friend from my youth who has had T1D for a long as I've known her. I'll call her Ace Silver just in case she doesn't want her name to be out there on the internet.
When I got diagnosed, I thought of three things: Ace Silver, the fact that she always had diet soda at her house, and all the needles and blood testing she had to do. I thought, "I can't have diabetes! Ace already has it!" as if because Ace had diabetes, I was somehow exempt from getting it.
I have a friend here at college who is both diabetic and a twin (of which I am both). I walked back with her from a fun Halloween celebration. It some ways, I feel like I'm cheating when it comes to diabetes. I got it now, when there are so many medical advances and things aren't as difficult. I mean, it still sucks, but not as much as it used to. And I didn't have to deal with the public school system!
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I was ignorant back then when it came to diabetes. I didn't really understand or else I didn't listen or pay attention. I had no idea what it was like. When I got this, suddenly all these people that I didn't know were T1D found me. Now I'm going to try to make sure that others know about what we are going through. I don't want people to be ignorant of what it's like to be T1D. It's not like Type 2. I'm going to speak up for you.
When I got diagnosed, I thought of three things: Ace Silver, the fact that she always had diet soda at her house, and all the needles and blood testing she had to do. I thought, "I can't have diabetes! Ace already has it!" as if because Ace had diabetes, I was somehow exempt from getting it.
I have a friend here at college who is both diabetic and a twin (of which I am both). I walked back with her from a fun Halloween celebration. It some ways, I feel like I'm cheating when it comes to diabetes. I got it now, when there are so many medical advances and things aren't as difficult. I mean, it still sucks, but not as much as it used to. And I didn't have to deal with the public school system!
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I was ignorant back then when it came to diabetes. I didn't really understand or else I didn't listen or pay attention. I had no idea what it was like. When I got this, suddenly all these people that I didn't know were T1D found me. Now I'm going to try to make sure that others know about what we are going through. I don't want people to be ignorant of what it's like to be T1D. It's not like Type 2. I'm going to speak up for you.
Monday, October 24, 2016
Is Life Worth Suffering
On Facebook, sometimes old posts show up.
Three years ago today you said something about procrastinating on your school work.
Four years ago today you were worried about that test.
I'd just like to share with you something I posted three years ago today.
-----
Is it worth it?
Is life worth all of this?
Day after day we hear stories of adults killing kids and kids killing adults and people killing other people over petty things like the color of their skin or the amount of money in their purse or who they ate breakfast with this morning while you were still sleeping.
Also, the small, killings that happen every day that the media forgets. Like the stab wound left after you get embarrassed by the teacher in front of the whole class. Or the tiny but deadly hole gouged out every day during lunch when you only have your pb&j sandwich to talk to. Or the deaths of children around the world who have decided to live their life without feeling anything because feeling is too painful and going numb is so much easier than dealing with heartache every day.
Is life worth suffering?
Day after day we hear stories of adults killing kids and kids killing adults and people killing other people over petty things like the color of their skin or the amount of money in their purse or who they ate breakfast with this morning while you were still sleeping.
Also, the small, killings that happen every day that the media forgets. Like the stab wound left after you get embarrassed by the teacher in front of the whole class. Or the tiny but deadly hole gouged out every day during lunch when you only have your pb&j sandwich to talk to. Or the deaths of children around the world who have decided to live their life without feeling anything because feeling is too painful and going numb is so much easier than dealing with heartache every day.
Is life worth suffering?
Answer the question only in the very early mornings when you are warm in your bed and you are watching the sunrise. Only when you get an A on the test you studied hard for. Only when you are with your friends and watching a movie and you all laugh at the very same time so it sounds like one giant laugh.
Because when bad things happen, we forget about the good in the world. We forget about our favorite books and songs and movies and colors and sounds and foods.
Because when bad things happen, we forget about the good in the world. We forget about our favorite books and songs and movies and colors and sounds and foods.
Don't forget about the good things.
Because life is worth it.
You are worth it.
-----
This wasn't about diabetes at the time. I had a lot of friend problems when I was younger. I had a lot of emotional pain I was going through.
Honestly, I'm in a good place these days. Even with all of this.
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
Dealing With Highs
Finger-pricked hands down, I would take high blood sugar over low blood sugar any day. I mean, you can't have snacks like when your blood sugar is low, but low blood sugar can be scary while high blood sugar is just a nuisance.
High blood sugar is awful to have for a long period of time and can lead to all sorts of health problems so it isn't good to float in the 300+ area for long, but it can be lowered pretty easily.
- Drink water
- Even if you don't want to drink any more water. Remember what it was like when you were first diagnosed? Pretend you're that thirsty again. Just keep drinking water.
- Exercise
- No one wants to hear that phrase, but if you want your blood sugar to go down, you better start moving. Turn on some music and jump around a little. It's not gonna hurt you.
- Go to bed
- If you've done all you can to lower your blood sugar but it still won't cooperate, go ahead and take a nap.
If you have a pattern of highs, you might need to change your insulin to carb ratio.
Just remember, this number is not forever. Your blood sugar will change. You aren't bad at managing your diabetes if your number is high, okay? Keep moving forward and don't give up.
You're doing so well.
I'm rooting for you.
Monday, October 17, 2016
Self-Confidence
Being uncomfortable makes me a real tough guy (as tough as a college girl with an avalanche of sweaters can be). If someone is shouting while I'm trying to sleep or smoking outside my window, I go out and tell them to stop. Frustration makes me self-confident and a little too headstrong.
I sent in my blood glucose data last week and I got an e-mail back from one of the doctors in the office. He wasn't my regular doctor. He was just one of the doctors that worked there. In my report, I mentioned that I was having high blood sugar after dinner. He told me to change my lunch insulin to carb ratio from 1:15 to 1:12 and my dinner ratio from 1:22 to 1:18.
I knew it was a bad idea, but he was a doctor so he must know more than I do.
I lasted with those ratios for two days.
Two days where I completely lost my mind.
I don't think I've ever lost it so quickly.
I was having trouble getting to classes because I was going so low.
"Stick it out, Elizabeth" I told myself. But my mom said, "Change your ratios back NOW."
Who can argue with that.
So, I sent them this e-mail:
Due to the dangerous lows I've been having, I'm going back to the original equation for lunch (1:15). It seems like 1:22 for dinner makes my blood sugar too high and 1:18 sends it too low, I'm going to take the middle route of 1:20 to see how that works. I tried to follow the advice I was given, but I'm two days in and I can't be dealing with lows during my classes.
What I wanted to say was:
Do you employ fruitcakes? Who thought this was a good idea? To drop from 1:22 to 1:18 for moderate highs is numb! I was able to manage my highs on my own with water and exercise and get to good numbers before bed most nights, I just didn't want to walk a mile before bed every night! Gosh!
But I didn't say that. Instead I was courteous and polite. I still felt rude. It was like I was saying "I'm going to do this now and I don't care what you think." But it's my diabetes, right?
I sent in my blood glucose data last week and I got an e-mail back from one of the doctors in the office. He wasn't my regular doctor. He was just one of the doctors that worked there. In my report, I mentioned that I was having high blood sugar after dinner. He told me to change my lunch insulin to carb ratio from 1:15 to 1:12 and my dinner ratio from 1:22 to 1:18.
I knew it was a bad idea, but he was a doctor so he must know more than I do.
I lasted with those ratios for two days.
Two days where I completely lost my mind.
I don't think I've ever lost it so quickly.
I was having trouble getting to classes because I was going so low.
"Stick it out, Elizabeth" I told myself. But my mom said, "Change your ratios back NOW."
Who can argue with that.
So, I sent them this e-mail:
Due to the dangerous lows I've been having, I'm going back to the original equation for lunch (1:15). It seems like 1:22 for dinner makes my blood sugar too high and 1:18 sends it too low, I'm going to take the middle route of 1:20 to see how that works. I tried to follow the advice I was given, but I'm two days in and I can't be dealing with lows during my classes.
What I wanted to say was:
Do you employ fruitcakes? Who thought this was a good idea? To drop from 1:22 to 1:18 for moderate highs is numb! I was able to manage my highs on my own with water and exercise and get to good numbers before bed most nights, I just didn't want to walk a mile before bed every night! Gosh!
But I didn't say that. Instead I was courteous and polite. I still felt rude. It was like I was saying "I'm going to do this now and I don't care what you think." But it's my diabetes, right?
Friday, October 14, 2016
Symptoms Before Diagnosis
I get asked all the time, "What was it like before you were diagnosed? How did you know you had diabetes?"
Well, I didn't know, not until the very end, and even then, I wasn't really all there mentally.
The most noticeable symptom was how thirsty I was. I kind of miss being that thirsty. Water tasted so good. I thought, "Why don't people drink more water? Water is fantastic!" There wasn't enough water on Earth for me. All I wanted to do was drink water. I would chug down bottle after bottle and think "Water is good for me. I'm going to be so healthy."
And what goes in must come out. I was getting up late at night to pee. I had to pee all the time. Rode trips were the worst. Every rest stop I would insist that we stop to pee. My family was so annoyed with me. "What's wrong with you, Elizabeth?" How could they have known?
Family trips were frustrating for another reason: I was incredibly tired. I couldn't keep up when we were walking around Washington D.C. I hardly remember the trip at all. I lagged behind my family as they walked. The only time I sped up what when I needed to race to the next bathroom.
I didn't have the energy to feel sorry for myself. I didn't have any energy at all. I think, how did I get through any of that? How could I feel so horrible for so long and not know that something was wrong? I lost a chunk of my life to feeling that way, which is why I try so hard to take care of myself now. I know what's wrong and what I can do to not feel like that ever again.
Life comes at a cost and I'm willing to pay it.
I won't lie, I cried while I wrote this. This disease has made me feel like a burden to my family since it started. There's a part of me that stopped being me over the course of this, call it what you like: my childhood, being carefree, my freedom. It was gone long before I knew I had lost it, or even had it. But I knew I had stopped being a kid the moment I first put that needle in my leg. I knew, from this moment on, I needed to be on top of my own health. I knew that it was on me and nobody else.
Well, I didn't know, not until the very end, and even then, I wasn't really all there mentally.
The most noticeable symptom was how thirsty I was. I kind of miss being that thirsty. Water tasted so good. I thought, "Why don't people drink more water? Water is fantastic!" There wasn't enough water on Earth for me. All I wanted to do was drink water. I would chug down bottle after bottle and think "Water is good for me. I'm going to be so healthy."
And what goes in must come out. I was getting up late at night to pee. I had to pee all the time. Rode trips were the worst. Every rest stop I would insist that we stop to pee. My family was so annoyed with me. "What's wrong with you, Elizabeth?" How could they have known?
Family trips were frustrating for another reason: I was incredibly tired. I couldn't keep up when we were walking around Washington D.C. I hardly remember the trip at all. I lagged behind my family as they walked. The only time I sped up what when I needed to race to the next bathroom.
I didn't have the energy to feel sorry for myself. I didn't have any energy at all. I think, how did I get through any of that? How could I feel so horrible for so long and not know that something was wrong? I lost a chunk of my life to feeling that way, which is why I try so hard to take care of myself now. I know what's wrong and what I can do to not feel like that ever again.
Life comes at a cost and I'm willing to pay it.
I won't lie, I cried while I wrote this. This disease has made me feel like a burden to my family since it started. There's a part of me that stopped being me over the course of this, call it what you like: my childhood, being carefree, my freedom. It was gone long before I knew I had lost it, or even had it. But I knew I had stopped being a kid the moment I first put that needle in my leg. I knew, from this moment on, I needed to be on top of my own health. I knew that it was on me and nobody else.
Wednesday, October 12, 2016
Diabetic Stigma
I love all the support my friends and family have given me through this frustrating and stressful time. They've been so kind and understanding. I appreciate all of the things they've done for me because there are some really obnoxious people that come out of the woodwork when you're diabetic.
I love that a lot of my friends have been willing to learn about diabetes, but their previous misconceptions bother me. For example, one morning I was talking to my friends about how I wished I could go back in time and enjoy all that time eating without calculating carbs and one of my friends said, "You could also go back and prevent yourself from getting diabetes." Type 1 Diabetes is a genetic disorder. It's my autoimmune system fighting the beta cells in my pancreas. There is no diet, no shot, nothing I could have done to slow it down or prevent it. This was all out of my control. That definitely pisses off some people with T1D. I'd like to think that I can control my diabetes for the most part, but even how much insulin I take is in flux.
Nothing I did caused me to have T1D and you can bet that it wasn't my choice. I know that there are people in the world that are vegan or gluten-free not because of a disease, but because it's their choice. That's very good for them, but having diabetes isn't like that. I was at a fancy dinner and I needed to know what I was eating so I could bolus accordingly. I asked the waitstaff what was being served along with dinner and they went out back. Next thing I know, a very condescending older woman came out and talked to me as if I was a child. I didn't ask her what the carbs were since I've had interactions like this before and I've learned that people in this position know a disturbingly small amount about the food they serve. Bolusing for my meals is hard enough, I don't need a condescending attitude about a disease I cannot fully control.
Well, it was not my choice to become diabetic.
I smile through these painful interactions because I know they don't know any better.
Just like it's not my fault that I have this, I know it's not their fault that they are ignorant.
I wish I could take my shots and get through this without the stigma that it's my fault or that I can control it.
I love that a lot of my friends have been willing to learn about diabetes, but their previous misconceptions bother me. For example, one morning I was talking to my friends about how I wished I could go back in time and enjoy all that time eating without calculating carbs and one of my friends said, "You could also go back and prevent yourself from getting diabetes." Type 1 Diabetes is a genetic disorder. It's my autoimmune system fighting the beta cells in my pancreas. There is no diet, no shot, nothing I could have done to slow it down or prevent it. This was all out of my control. That definitely pisses off some people with T1D. I'd like to think that I can control my diabetes for the most part, but even how much insulin I take is in flux.
Nothing I did caused me to have T1D and you can bet that it wasn't my choice. I know that there are people in the world that are vegan or gluten-free not because of a disease, but because it's their choice. That's very good for them, but having diabetes isn't like that. I was at a fancy dinner and I needed to know what I was eating so I could bolus accordingly. I asked the waitstaff what was being served along with dinner and they went out back. Next thing I know, a very condescending older woman came out and talked to me as if I was a child. I didn't ask her what the carbs were since I've had interactions like this before and I've learned that people in this position know a disturbingly small amount about the food they serve. Bolusing for my meals is hard enough, I don't need a condescending attitude about a disease I cannot fully control.
Well, it was not my choice to become diabetic.
I smile through these painful interactions because I know they don't know any better.
Just like it's not my fault that I have this, I know it's not their fault that they are ignorant.
I wish I could take my shots and get through this without the stigma that it's my fault or that I can control it.
Monday, October 10, 2016
Love/Hate Relationship with my Dexcom
Here's the bare bones of the matter:
Knowing your blood glucose level is a blessing and a curse.
You can say, "Oh, my blood sugar is low and going down, I guess I'll have that extra cookie" or "It's a little high, I should drink some water".
On the other hand, low blood sugar during class is bad enough. It's worse when your Dexcom is beeping at you while the professor is talking. It's like "Shhhh, I just ate a glucose tab, you'll be up in a minute".
And of course, putting the Dexcom in is a pain. It doesn't hurt as much as a flu shot, but it still hurts.
So I try to get my sensor to last longer than a week so I don't have to put it back in.
It doesn't appreciate that.
So, do I recommend a CGM for first time T1Ders?
Absolutely. You can sleep the whole night through without any worries about waking up at 3 to test.
It's the least you've earned after waking up to pee in the middle of the night for months!
Knowing your blood glucose level is a blessing and a curse.
You can say, "Oh, my blood sugar is low and going down, I guess I'll have that extra cookie" or "It's a little high, I should drink some water".
On the other hand, low blood sugar during class is bad enough. It's worse when your Dexcom is beeping at you while the professor is talking. It's like "Shhhh, I just ate a glucose tab, you'll be up in a minute".
And of course, putting the Dexcom in is a pain. It doesn't hurt as much as a flu shot, but it still hurts.
So I try to get my sensor to last longer than a week so I don't have to put it back in.
It doesn't appreciate that.
So, do I recommend a CGM for first time T1Ders?
Absolutely. You can sleep the whole night through without any worries about waking up at 3 to test.
It's the least you've earned after waking up to pee in the middle of the night for months!
Friday, October 7, 2016
Roommate Diabetes
I accepted my diagnosis quickly.
Maybe it's because I had felt horrible for so long I would do anything to not feel so tired and sad.
Maybe it's because some part of me always knew that something like this would happen.
(I don't mean to freak you out, but I always sort of suspected I would get some big, life-changing disease. *shrug*)
But I accepted being diabetic quickly. Even subconsciously.
Whenever I have dreams, I think, "I can't eat anything here. I'm diabetic." It's kind of frustrating when all I want is a big slice of dream pie. (No calories or carbs in dream pie.)
But I'm still surprised sometimes that I have this. That I have to take shots.
I was walking to my first class today and I suddenly realized, "Oh my gosh. I have this disease. I'm sick all the time now." I think I separate the diabetic part of me from the rest of me mentally.
I heard it described once that living with diabetes is like living with a new member of your family.
I think living with diabetes is like living with a new roommate (but not a roommate you necessarily want). This roommate fills your fridge with her seltzer water and slaps your hand away from that cheesecake you really want and pinches you and shouts at you and whines.
She whines. All. The. Time.
"My blood sugar it too hiiiiiigh." "Hurry up!!! My blood sugar is too low!!"
She's frustrating and annoying and I'd like to evict her from my life, but she follows me everywhere. She hops into my backpack and comes to all my classes with me. She looks over my shoulder at the homework I'm doing. She's here right now, watching me type and nagging me to check my blood sugar right now.
But she's invisible to everyone but me. Even other diabetics can't see her. They're dealing with their own diabetes. And here's the big thing, she follows me, but she isn't me. She's like me. She has my body and face, but she's only a piece of me. A piece of me I can ignore if I want, but I can't ignore her for too long.
Maybe someday soon I can say goodbye to my roommate for good. The new artificial pancreas has just been released. One day I might be able to leave my diabetes for good.
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
Being a T1D at a Nursing College
I go to a college with a huge nursing program. I am not a nursing major myself, but I have lots of nursing friends. I went in and got a flu shot today and ended up talking about my diabetes. The nursing students loved hearing all about my disease. It was actually kind of awesome that I could be so calm and educational about it.
Them: Are you a nursing student? (The nursing students all needed to get a flu shot)
Me: No
Them: Ah, okay. Are you worried about the shot at all?
Me: No, actually, I have to get a lot of shots because I'm diabetic.
Them: Oh my gosh! So you must be a natural.
Me: Well, I just got it this last summer
Them: Holy cow! What were the symptoms? That must have been rough!
And then of course, I made my little Skelegrow joke:
Me: Yeah, you know that scene in Harry Potter when he doesn't have a bone in his arm anymore and they had to grow it back? That's how it felt when my leg muscles all grew back!
They were so interested and it felt pretty amazing to have this information.
I don't know what it is that made me feel so important. Maybe the attention of the nursing students. Maybe it's because I know firsthand what this is like. Maybe I was just proud of my bravery through all of this and the fact that I don't fear shots anymore.
No matter what though, that flu shot hurt!!!
Them: Are you a nursing student? (The nursing students all needed to get a flu shot)
Me: No
Them: Ah, okay. Are you worried about the shot at all?
Me: No, actually, I have to get a lot of shots because I'm diabetic.
Them: Oh my gosh! So you must be a natural.
Me: Well, I just got it this last summer
Them: Holy cow! What were the symptoms? That must have been rough!
And then of course, I made my little Skelegrow joke:
Me: Yeah, you know that scene in Harry Potter when he doesn't have a bone in his arm anymore and they had to grow it back? That's how it felt when my leg muscles all grew back!
They were so interested and it felt pretty amazing to have this information.
I don't know what it is that made me feel so important. Maybe the attention of the nursing students. Maybe it's because I know firsthand what this is like. Maybe I was just proud of my bravery through all of this and the fact that I don't fear shots anymore.
No matter what though, that flu shot hurt!!!
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