A Lesson in Healing

On my way home today, I got stuck in some traffic.
I don't mind traffic. I listen to my music and it feels satisfying once I get to the end of the traffic.
But there was a guy, an older gentleman, who got stuck behind me.
I think he was mad because he had to merge in behind my car.
On my way home, I have to cross a bridge. It's one lane with a stoplight at the end.
There isn't much room to maneuver.
The guy behind me was mad because the stoplight was red and he was going to turn right, but I couldn't move out of the way for him. There just wasn't any room.
He flipped me off.
I was so stressed by the way he was driving, the way he was acting, and the honking of his horn.
I returned the motion.
Then he started giving more rude hand gestures.
This man must have been my grandfather's age.

I had had such a lovely day before this moment, but now this is all I can think about.
I returned anger for anger and I didn't feel better.
I couldn't, I can't, stop thinking about this moment.
I didn't start to feel better until later on in my drive, I motioned for another car to slide in ahead of me at an intersection.
The woman in the little blue car had apple earbuds in.
She probably won't remember what I did.
But at that moment, I felt something that was hurting in me heal a little bit.

Anger felt like the right emotion, the right action, at the time, but it hurt more than it helped.
Anger feels right, but it isn't right.
We have to move past the anger, to leave it behind, and to show kindness to the next person.

Doesn't It Hurt?

People say a lot of dumb things to Type 1 Diabeteics. 

I've heard quite a few personally, but at the top is "Does giving yourself shots hurt?"

Ladies, you can all understand the analogy I'm about to make here.

You've had your period for years now. Does getting period cramps stop hurting?

You're used to it now, so you can ignore the pain, but it still hurts.

That's what diabetes is like. I'm used to it so I can ignore the pain.

Does it still hurt? Yes! Of course it does! 

It doesn't stop hurting just because the pain doesn't show on my face. 

I'm just really good at ignoring it. 

Tattoos and Needles

The other day, a group of us arrived before class started and began to talk.
Topic of conversation: tattoos
I was one of the few people who didn't have a tattoo. The other person without a tattoo was a middle aged mother who found that young people having tattoos was horrifying.
I'm not sure I've mentioned it here before, but I have definitely mentioned my tattoo plan several times in real life.
Because I want a tattoo...
After the cure for T1D has been found.
Why the specifics?
Well, for one, getting a tattoo and then having to put an omnipod right on the ink is a bad idea.
And there are so many dangerous complications which can occur with my nasty blood and the ink.
Yeah, better to wait.
But when the cure happens, I'm going to get a tattoo of my omnipod on my leg, right where I would have normally put it.
My mom knows this plan, my cousins know this plan, my friends know this plan, and now my classmates know this plan.
Well, the mother in the group announces that the reason why she doesn't like tattoos (specifically on her children) is because "they're her babies" and she doesn't want them getting stabbed.
So I showed her my omnipod and dexcom.
"Like this?"
"I stab myself with THIS one every three days and THIS one every ten days."
She was even more horrified.
Getting a tattoo means the needles happen and then you're done for the rest of your life.
Honestly, that's kind of a reason I'm looking forward to a tattoo.
Just some needles and (after the cure) I'd be done for the rest of my life.

Advice from Me to Me

Since the breakup, I've been trying a lot of different things to feel better.
I made lists.
I deleted photos on my phone (and changed my phone's background).

I've talked with a lot of people too.
"Is feeling this way normal?"
"When does it stop hurting so much?"
"I don't think I ever want to date again."

I talked to my mom. I talked to my guy friends. I talked to my girl friends.
I don't think I really started to heal until I talked to one of my guy friends from home. A mutual friend of my ex and I. He had been in a rough relationship before.

All of this talking made me realize that I didn't even know what I wanted.
So I formed a plan.
From now on, I am going to date myself.
I'm going to take myself out on dates and adventures that I want to go on.
I like when I can hang out with friends on these adventures, but if they don't want to go with me, I'll find friends while I'm there.

Dates I have now taken myself on:
Going to an Escape Room
Starting a D&D game
Going to the library to look at books and then going to see a band

All of these things made me very happy, even without a date.

I've already made a deal with God.
If I'm meant to be with someone, it's His responsibility to get us together.
Until then, I'm going to just date myself.

Paradigm Shift

I have now experienced a breakup. 

I will not lie and say I feel happy. It sucks. 

I cried in the middle of one of my classes. 

Usually, I segment my crying time to when I'm alone and when I can hide the fact that I'm crying.

But there I was, in front of a classroom of people, crying.
I was so surprised. I had cried by myself. I had talked to people. I thought I had gotten it all out. 

I thought I could talk about it intelligently. 

But I'm glad I cried. 

This whole classroom of girls was so supportive. 

I understood why girls in high school had groups. 

I also understood why girls in high school got so emotional over breakups. 

But I think I'm far enough away from the event to start talking about things. 

I like to analyze and work things out by writing about it, so that's what I'll do. 

It means hijacking this site, but I haven't posted anything diabetes-related in a while anyway. 

You'll be hearing from me soon

DIAGNOSAVERSARY

IT HAS BEEN OFFICIALLY A YEAR SINCE I GOT DIABETES
This is a pre-scheduled post so hopefully I haven't died yet.

This is a day to remember the crazy day being tossed from doctor's office to doctor's office with no clue what was wrong with me with the final stunning finale of shoving a needle in my leg!
The day that rocked my world.
July 14, 2016

Why I Love My OmniPod

I know this is going to sound like an ad, but I promise that OmniPod isn't paying me to say this.

I've noticed that I've started to affectionately rub the OmniPod and say things like "What a good OmniPod! You're so good! I love you so much!" 

There was only one thing that I was really worried about when it came to getting a pump; would it hurt? I have a Dexcom and there's always a 50/50 chance that it's gonna hurt. 

The OmniPod isn't like that at all!

I never have to see the needle. I don't have to physically put in a needle. Everything is automatic.

I tell the OmniPod "I'm ready for the needle". There are six soft clicks and one loud click (that startles me) and then it's done. It's sore for a little while, but the soreness fades. 

And a little soreness is nothing compared to what I had to deal with before. 

My pen shots tended to bruise but with only one "shot" every three days, my bruises have had time to heal. 

There's less work to be done before I eat a meal now. I'm looking forward to going back to college and actually eating a hot meal instead of a lukewarm one. 

Even though the OmniPod is visible, I feel like my diabetes isn't front and center anymore. I could go diabetic incognito for a while if I so chose. 

Of course, I'm still learning how to use this new gadget, but I'm already so emotionally attached to it. If I had to go back to pen shots tomorrow, I would be devastated. The OmniPod isn't invasive, it's virtually painless, and I've actually started to go back to doing the stuff I did before I got diagnosed. I've got several art projects in the works and I'm reading some books for fun. 

But I'm not being paid for this page-long OmniPod ad. I just really love my OmniPod.