Endo Offices (The Devil You Know Is Not A Reason To Stay)

 My first endo doctor told me I could never eat pizza again.

My second endo doctor kept me on a blood pressure medication that made my already low blood pressure even lower and gave me horrible dizzy spells. He said he "didn't want to step on his colleague's toes". 

My third endo doctor, my first time meeting her, was when I got pregnant for the first time and I overheard her talk to the nurse about how I had made a mistake. That I shouldn't have gotten pregnant.

Being T1D does not mean you cannot do normal life things. It means those normal life events have an added layer of complexity. But when I heard that doctor imply that my child was a mistake, I knew that I couldn't keep playing this horrible game with this endo office and I left. Of course, with many diabetes fixes, when one problem is solved, new problems arise. 

I was now pregnant and going to a new endo office which was a part of a diabetes and pregnancy program at a big name hospital. They at least knew I could have a healthy pregnancy, but they sure didn't trust me to be able to do it. My endo wanted me on low carb diets. Along with all the food you can't eat during pregnancy already came a much longer list of foods that were suddenly off limits. And when you're pregnant with hormones and pregnancy cravings, that made me mad. But I was also scared for my unborn baby. I would do anything to keep her safe. So I survived on eggs, cheese, pickles, and what I called "magic soup". (The soup was a Chinese pork and cabbage soup. I can get you the recipe.) 

My baby was born small, but healthy. I had been miserable, but nothing terrible had happened. I felt like I had been failing the whole pregnancy, but there was my beautiful and healthy baby. 

When I got pregnant with my second, I went to the same endo and same hospital. I was treated the same way, as if I knew nothing. I had done this once and yet I felt like I was doing even worse the second time! And then I realized that on my chart, during my second pregnancy at the same hospital, they had put down that I had gestational diabetes. How long had that been there? Is that why I was being treated like I was stupid? How could this have happened? I had fallen for "The Devil You Know" fallacy all over again, but this devil did not know me.

I switched endos afterwards. I was mad and determined to find someone who would listen to me. I'm glad I did. 

I'm now pregnant with my third child. My current endo knows and trusts me. The hospital I'm going to for prenatal care knows me and trusts me too. 

To all T1Ders out there, you deserve to be heard and seen and listened to. You did nothing to deserve this disease and you don't deserve to keep getting punished because of another doctor's fears. If an endo office is hurting you, leave. You deserve better. 

A Wedding with T1D

 So, in 2021, I got married. I honestly don't think my diabetes got in the way that much during the ceremony or reception except for one thing: my omnipod and phone (which had my CGM data on it).

My wedding dress had no pockets to put these things in. What did I do? My friend, and the altar server for the wedding, David, was made responsible for it! I remember, before the first dance, I handed my phone and Omnipod to him and said "Could you put these on the head table for me?" as I was whisked away to the dancefloor. 

If my first child had been a boy, I was planning on naming him David! (I ended up having a girl, but she and David adore each other as if she knows who she would have been otherwise.)

The wedding was perfect and the day was perfect, even when imperfections happened. It was more perfect because of the imperfections! So this is to any T1D who is worried that diabetes will ruin your big day, that on that particular day, I didn't even remember that I had it.

A Big Update (Return to Posting?)

 It's been a very long time since I've posted on here!

Oh my gosh, my last post was in 2019!!!

A few updates:

I ended up dating this really great guy and marrying him in 2021. How does he handle my diabetes? He gets me snacks in the middle of the night if I have a low or brings me water when my blood sugar is high. He worries about me, but he lets me take care of myself. 

I've interned at a hospital library and worked in a public library and worked at an elementary school. 

And I've had two babies and I'm currently pregnant with my third.

Pregnancy with T1D is hard, but it sounds like, from the people I've talked to who have had babies, it's no harder than pregnancy without diabetes. Having toddlers and managing your diabetes is the hardest part!

I'll have to post about my pregnancy experiences at some point. For now, I just want to make sure people know this fact: T1D does not determine whether you have healthy kids or not. I was not and have not had perfect numbers all the time during any of my pregnancies, but my first two (and hopefully this third child) have all been perfectly healthy. Our bodies may not function properly, but they can still do great things.

Hoping to talk to you all again real soon.

Doesn't It Hurt?

People say a lot of dumb things to Type 1 Diabeteics. 

I've heard quite a few personally, but at the top is "Does giving yourself shots hurt?"

Ladies, you can all understand the analogy I'm about to make here.

You've had your period for years now. Does getting period cramps stop hurting?

You're used to it now, so you can ignore the pain, but it still hurts.

That's what diabetes is like. I'm used to it so I can ignore the pain.

Does it still hurt? Yes! Of course it does! 

It doesn't stop hurting just because the pain doesn't show on my face. 

I'm just really good at ignoring it. 

Tattoos and Needles

The other day, a group of us arrived before class started and began to talk.
Topic of conversation: tattoos
I was one of the few people who didn't have a tattoo. The other person without a tattoo was a middle aged mother who found that young people having tattoos was horrifying.
I'm not sure I've mentioned it here before, but I have definitely mentioned my tattoo plan several times in real life.
Because I want a tattoo...
After the cure for T1D has been found.
Why the specifics?
Well, for one, getting a tattoo and then having to put an omnipod right on the ink is a bad idea.
And there are so many dangerous complications which can occur with my nasty blood and the ink.
Yeah, better to wait.
But when the cure happens, I'm going to get a tattoo of my omnipod on my leg, right where I would have normally put it.
My mom knows this plan, my cousins know this plan, my friends know this plan, and now my classmates know this plan.
Well, the mother in the group announces that the reason why she doesn't like tattoos (specifically on her children) is because "they're her babies" and she doesn't want them getting stabbed.
So I showed her my omnipod and dexcom.
"Like this?"
"I stab myself with THIS one every three days and THIS one every ten days."
She was even more horrified.
Getting a tattoo means the needles happen and then you're done for the rest of your life.
Honestly, that's kind of a reason I'm looking forward to a tattoo.
Just some needles and (after the cure) I'd be done for the rest of my life.

Advice from Me to Me

Since the breakup, I've been trying a lot of different things to feel better.
I made lists.
I deleted photos on my phone (and changed my phone's background).

I've talked with a lot of people too.
"Is feeling this way normal?"
"When does it stop hurting so much?"
"I don't think I ever want to date again."

I talked to my mom. I talked to my guy friends. I talked to my girl friends.
I don't think I really started to heal until I talked to one of my guy friends from home. A mutual friend of my ex and I. He had been in a rough relationship before.

All of this talking made me realize that I didn't even know what I wanted.
So I formed a plan.
From now on, I am going to date myself.
I'm going to take myself out on dates and adventures that I want to go on.
I like when I can hang out with friends on these adventures, but if they don't want to go with me, I'll find friends while I'm there.

Dates I have now taken myself on:
Going to an Escape Room
Starting a D&D game
Going to the library to look at books and then going to see a band

All of these things made me very happy, even without a date.

I've already made a deal with God.
If I'm meant to be with someone, it's His responsibility to get us together.
Until then, I'm going to just date myself.

Paradigm Shift

I have now experienced a breakup. 

I will not lie and say I feel happy. It sucks. 

I cried in the middle of one of my classes. 

Usually, I segment my crying time to when I'm alone and when I can hide the fact that I'm crying.

But there I was, in front of a classroom of people, crying.
I was so surprised. I had cried by myself. I had talked to people. I thought I had gotten it all out. 

I thought I could talk about it intelligently. 

But I'm glad I cried. 

This whole classroom of girls was so supportive. 

I understood why girls in high school had groups. 

I also understood why girls in high school got so emotional over breakups. 

But I think I'm far enough away from the event to start talking about things. 

I like to analyze and work things out by writing about it, so that's what I'll do. 

It means hijacking this site, but I haven't posted anything diabetes-related in a while anyway. 

You'll be hearing from me soon